first things first

Rachel at the start of three weeks in

I’ve struggled with my body my whole life. I’ve never been athletic or physically fit (except for that one time, in the army). I was sexually abused as a young person. My boobs grew early—and fast—and I was teased endlessly, mercilessly. My first shaving accident was when I was 9. My body has been my nemesis, my baggage, my point of comparison to everyone else’s beauty for as long as I can remember.

My business is food. My first job was working at Chuck E Cheese as a birthday hostess, hosting children’s birthdays and wearing the mouse outfit for money. In my late 20’s I left the restaurant business to go and work for Jesus, a different but strangely similar kind of work. Still feeding people, but less crazies drama drunks fewer late nights. My life is and has been all about feeding people, serving up joy and good times along with good food and drinks. I’ve eaten for pleasure and because of my pain. I enjoy culinary adventuring and cooking traditions. The table has always been the center of my world. Food is my life.

At our first meeting Hamish told us that we needed to start eating food as fuel not pleasure.

… STOP …

and try and stop and really take that in. Maybe its not as hard for you, but for me it was like a screetching hault with airbags deploying.

This was the first moment I realized this whole thing was really fucking radical and really fucking nuts. In one sentence he proposed a whole new identity, a shift in how I see, well, everything. Hamish hooked us up with a meal plan and we’ve been experimenting with “fuel” ever since.

I’ve struggled with my depression my whole life. 4 years ago I was despondent, unable to work, hysterical and on the verge of something I was afraid of: the thought that I would never be whole, me, alive and/or happy. I found myself in a chair across the room from a miraculous therapist and healer who started me down a path and helped me find myself. She told me that I was bound for something great, something I could never dream of.

I think she may have been right.

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10 thoughts on “first things first

  1. You are I are so different in some way and then so very alike in other ways. I am SO happy for you and your discoveries. I wanna be your cheerleader!

    pppssstttt we have all know you were destined for something great. In fact, you have already achieved that status.

  2. LOVE LOVE LOVE to my Rach ! …
    … but –> please do remember :
    The concept of eating food as fuel and not pleasure can be a very zealous concept. And while i understand the context, it is always important to strike a balance.
    The food that you DO eat as fuel, should also bring you pleasure! { which again – i understand the idea of eating FOR pleasure is different than eating WITH pleasure – just please dont forget the latter }
    Actually – your body, mind and heart will begin to redefine these parameters as you progress. i actually ate an almond joy the other day, one of my [former] favorite candy bars. i couldn’t believe how ‘fake’ and sugary it tasted to me. i have been eating raw organic cacao bars which are 70-90 % dark, with a small amount of organic cane juice added. What once, i was sure to have scoffed at as ‘bitter’ – i now have a completely different taste for.
    “blah blah blah” says the robert creature.
    ” and enough typing” says the little voice in my head, “JUST CALL HER FOR GOODNESS SAKE … and talk for like EVERRRR” ;)
    and so i shall !!!

    • LOVE LOVE LOVE to my Robert! Thanks for the words…. and you (and others) are right, it is a very zealous concept. We hope to (once we are making some modifications) teach our trainer a few things about delicious AND nutritious. I adore you and your words and support. And yes, lets find time for a call, shall we?

    • YET! Almost like the word YES! I like it. You can do it. Lord knows if I can, I can try and convince you that you can. It ain’t easy street, and I wish it would be goal time already Jen, but it will be… soon. Love you.

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