the plateau

Rachel, wondering if you still care about this whole thing. 

The above isn’t some sort of self pity bullshit feel sorry for me question, it really is what has kept me from writing. OK, maybe that’s a bit much. I think that very wondering about caring is a question that is more directed at me than you dear reader. Ugh, the dreaded plateau, it has descended upon me and I am stuck. Stuck stuck fucking frustratingly stuck.

The motivational notes, no longer motivate. Well they do, sort of, but its more like they taunt me, laugh at my sudden exhaustion and say “see, I knew you couldn’t stick to it.” It’s a slippery slope, fitness and health, and I’ve done some backsliding. So fine, there, I have admitted it. Oh I have no problem pointing out how I’ve fallen off the wagon, and the worst part, I know how to get back on. But seriously, the starting over, the resetting, the bargaining, the cleansing, all of it, I am over it. OVER. IT. Also, I am crabby. And tired. And I need help.

This healthy lifestyle thing, it is a choice. Daily, sometimes even one minute at a time, I make choices about food, exercise, water consumption, protein, sugar, to cream or not to cream my coffee. Today I wanted to choose being in bed at 7pm and ordering a large pizza, delivered thank-you-very-much. I wanted to choose that, but instead talked it out with my love, over a tuna melt she lovingly made for me. She listens to me and loves me when I am like this. I am lucky.

Ratchet is calling me from the other room. I have to get sleep; rest is a huge piece of being healthy and losing weight (though sleep has not helped my chicken wing arms or my good lord please go away flab abs). In a few hours I will get up and meet my trainer and have another chance at starting fresh again. Yes, tomorrow is another day.

Hello friends, I am back.

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8 thoughts on “the plateau

  1. You are still an inspiration to me. Because even on the day when you don’t feel like choosing health, I’ve seen the transformation that’s already happened in your life by intentionally considering the consequences of un-health. I’ve also started a journey – partly urged by your witness to honoring the person you were meant to be (and partly because I can’t afford all new clothes). It is absolutely mind-blowing how easy slipping into patterns can be. Trust that there is a new day – a new attitude around the corner. And your new life, the one you hacked out of the wilderness, awaits. I’m incredibly proud of your hard work. I aspire to make similar changes in my own life.

  2. As far as I can tell, you are a rock star. You have completely overhauled your health with new eating, drinking, sleep and exercise habits. I know these are permanent. Plateaus? I’ve been in one, too. I have tried to talk to myself about it for a year. During that time, I have worked to appreciate where I have been, and where I am, and possibly imagine it can be even better.

    May you be blessed with a truck load of self appreciation, find renewal where you want it, and see the now as a great place to be, even when we don’t get our bodies to do what we want. From all the new weight research I am reading, our attitude about our bodies (love, care, appreciation) may be the first and most important part of our metabolism. The second? that we continue to eat with joy. Let’s keep focusing on those two things while we get back to our best food and exercise habits. In it with you, L

    • So grateful for you LSB. Over and over again your words and friendship and blessings mean so much. Love having you in this with me. Rockstar? Right back at you lady.

  3. Oh, Rachel — you have inspired me so much. I’m still working with a trainer twice a week — because of your words about your trainer. And you’re right — it’s hard and it sucks. And I, too, having gone through treatment for alcohol addiction, recognize my relationship to sugar as being every bit as addicted. Realistically, I know that at some point, I’ll probably eat another peanut butter cup. But not today. Today (or at least until staff meeting at 11:00), I won’t eat sugar. At 11:00, I’ll decide again.

    I wish I were one of those people who can look at sugary things and say, “Yuck.” (My dad is like that.) I’m not. It’s not fair.

    But please know, dear Rachel, that you are an inspiration to a bunch of us, and that we (or at least, I, for sure) follow your ups and downs because they remind me of what’s ahead, what I can look forward to, and encourage me by the willing honesty of a very honest person. Thank you…

    • Glenndy, I think you don’t know how much you have kept me going lately. I’ll keep going if you will, and thank you friend. You are right, it isn’t fair. Sometimes that is ok, because nothing is. And then sometimes, I just need to be that little girl, and long for fairness. Can’t it be like peace? The kind that passes all understanding? No? Ugh.

      • So sadly true. Fairness is only an illusion. But I keep hoping and praying and working in the assumption that peace is not. Some days, tiny glimmers shine through the broken parts! Leonard Cohen wrote,”Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

        Thank you for your words. You and your writing are such an encouragement to me, too.

  4. Of course we care! This is a legitimate part of the journey toward health, and one we all struggle in. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing the struggle. Even if you are stuck you are an inspiration.

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